So, you obviously have moved on. Good. Very glad.
Decided to embrace who you really are? Good.
Just wish you had told me 17 years ago.
My life would have been much different.
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Thursday, December 24, 2015
It's funny....
It's funny how people change - when you have made a change.
And, it's funny how, instead of asking questions or trying to discuss it - they just make assumptions. And, you turn into a bad guy.
It's ok.
It was sudden, or at least some seem to think it was. It wasn't. It was years in the making. People just didn't open their eyes and see what was in front of their faces.
It's funny. It took me a long time too - and I was the one involved.
Sure, I caused a change in their lives too I guess - but you would think that if they cared at all, that they would want me to be happy too. After all, I tried to make it work.
And it takes two to do that - and well, I am only one.
I didn't break any one's heart. You have to have one and open it for it to be broken.
Sure, I got to go on nice trips sometimes. But trips don't keep you warm at night. They don't hold you when your heart is breaking and your life is falling apart.
It's funny how I used to cry myself to sleep almost every night, and no one saw but me.
It's funny how I haven't cried myself to sleep since I've been on my own again. Except the night my son left to go back to his home.
It's funny how I am blamed for things I didn't do.
It's even funnier that I know things he did do, and they would be shocked if they knew.
But, I'll be the bad guy. It's ok.
Just think about it - there had to be a reason I would leave after 17 years.
Funny how that works.....
And, it's funny how, instead of asking questions or trying to discuss it - they just make assumptions. And, you turn into a bad guy.
It's ok.
It was sudden, or at least some seem to think it was. It wasn't. It was years in the making. People just didn't open their eyes and see what was in front of their faces.
It's funny. It took me a long time too - and I was the one involved.
Sure, I caused a change in their lives too I guess - but you would think that if they cared at all, that they would want me to be happy too. After all, I tried to make it work.
And it takes two to do that - and well, I am only one.
I didn't break any one's heart. You have to have one and open it for it to be broken.
Sure, I got to go on nice trips sometimes. But trips don't keep you warm at night. They don't hold you when your heart is breaking and your life is falling apart.
It's funny how I used to cry myself to sleep almost every night, and no one saw but me.
It's funny how I haven't cried myself to sleep since I've been on my own again. Except the night my son left to go back to his home.
It's funny how I am blamed for things I didn't do.
It's even funnier that I know things he did do, and they would be shocked if they knew.
But, I'll be the bad guy. It's ok.
Just think about it - there had to be a reason I would leave after 17 years.
Funny how that works.....
Sunday, November 08, 2015
9 Weeks
So, I have been in my new house for about 9 weeks now.
I love it.
I still have painting to do, eventually want to rip out old cabinets in the garage and put in shelving, maybe get rid of the carpet and put in wood flooring - but, I will and what I do will be what I want.
Today I cleaned house, did laundry, raked leaves (again) and cleaned gutters on the house.
I am exhausted.
But I also feel good - I did it, its mine, and I can do this.
I have not heard from the roomie. Don't think I ever will. He said he would call, but - he used to say a lot of things.
I hope he has a good life.
I sure as hell am gonna give it a try :)
I love it.
I still have painting to do, eventually want to rip out old cabinets in the garage and put in shelving, maybe get rid of the carpet and put in wood flooring - but, I will and what I do will be what I want.
Today I cleaned house, did laundry, raked leaves (again) and cleaned gutters on the house.
I am exhausted.
But I also feel good - I did it, its mine, and I can do this.
I have not heard from the roomie. Don't think I ever will. He said he would call, but - he used to say a lot of things.
I hope he has a good life.
I sure as hell am gonna give it a try :)
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Changes....
With time comes changes....
And I made a change - a big one.
One September 15th I purchased my first home. And, that same night I moved into it.
That same day I left someone I had been with for almost 17 years.
I think we both saw it coming. We had become "friends" and nothing more. No hand holding, no kisses on the lips (or with passion). He told me I was his best friend - which is great if that is all you want to be - but I thought we were supposed to be more, to be in a relationship.
I tried everything I could think of...I bought him things, I cooked I cleaned I took care of him...
Everything I could think of to make him love me the way I wanted, and needed to be loved.
But it never happened.
Within just a few years of the, well, whatever this was, started - it changed. No hugs, he flinched when I touched him. No intimacy at all.
And yet I stayed.
I loved him.
But then it changed even more....my life, besides working and taking care of the home, was spent in a room of the house - the office. Rarely did we sit in the same room and watch TV let alone talk to each other. He brought up the fact that his parents had slept in separate rooms - I drew the line with that one.
And then a couple of years ago I went on a trip with my sister. Something we had talked of doing for years. And after the trip he compared me to his ex - she had started taking trips with friends and ended up leaving him. That was when I looked at him different and made a decision that I had to work towards my own life.
And even up until the moment I left - had he said something, anything, to make me feel loved, needed and cared for - I would have stayed.
It didn't happen.
He said he would call, we would have dinner and talk. It hasn't happened yet - and I am not sure it ever will.
So, I now have my own home. A great small 3 bedroom house for me and the two kitties. I love it - it's mine. No more do I have to sit in that room and feel the walls closing in. No more do I sit in a home where someone else lived and feel so lonely that my heart was breaking. No more do I cry myself to sleep wishing it would get better.
Because it has.
This is mine - and this is my life. And time to start anew.
Better late than never :)
And I made a change - a big one.
One September 15th I purchased my first home. And, that same night I moved into it.
That same day I left someone I had been with for almost 17 years.
I think we both saw it coming. We had become "friends" and nothing more. No hand holding, no kisses on the lips (or with passion). He told me I was his best friend - which is great if that is all you want to be - but I thought we were supposed to be more, to be in a relationship.
I tried everything I could think of...I bought him things, I cooked I cleaned I took care of him...
Everything I could think of to make him love me the way I wanted, and needed to be loved.
But it never happened.
Within just a few years of the, well, whatever this was, started - it changed. No hugs, he flinched when I touched him. No intimacy at all.
And yet I stayed.
I loved him.
But then it changed even more....my life, besides working and taking care of the home, was spent in a room of the house - the office. Rarely did we sit in the same room and watch TV let alone talk to each other. He brought up the fact that his parents had slept in separate rooms - I drew the line with that one.
And then a couple of years ago I went on a trip with my sister. Something we had talked of doing for years. And after the trip he compared me to his ex - she had started taking trips with friends and ended up leaving him. That was when I looked at him different and made a decision that I had to work towards my own life.
And even up until the moment I left - had he said something, anything, to make me feel loved, needed and cared for - I would have stayed.
It didn't happen.
He said he would call, we would have dinner and talk. It hasn't happened yet - and I am not sure it ever will.
So, I now have my own home. A great small 3 bedroom house for me and the two kitties. I love it - it's mine. No more do I have to sit in that room and feel the walls closing in. No more do I sit in a home where someone else lived and feel so lonely that my heart was breaking. No more do I cry myself to sleep wishing it would get better.
Because it has.
This is mine - and this is my life. And time to start anew.
Better late than never :)
Thursday, April 18, 2013
To those who are young....
Take life by the balls and run with it. This is your time to enjoy learn, to love laugh and cry.
Make the most of this time – fill it with memories that will last a lifetime.
Wake up and see the world like it’s a new place every day – there is always something new to see, something new to learn – soak it all in.
Laugh hard, laugh long.
Share the laughter, and the tears.
Talk to strangers – yea, I know your mother told you not to – but once in a while, just start up a conversation while standing at a bus stop, on the train, in a cab. Even if you are normally shy – speak up! It’s sometimes easier when you don’t know the person – and you just might make a friend.
Don’t judge anyone because they think or believe differently.
No matter your physical size – embrace it. (No not literally…figuratively! – oh wait…go ahead)
If you feel like dancing in the middle of a store, dance. Sometimes you just don’t need music.
Share your heart – and remember the passion. Love hard, love strong. Let the other person know just by looking at you how you feel. If you love someone, truly, give it your all. And tell them. We all need to hear it.
Don’t settle.
Work hard, but enjoy what you do. If you don’t enjoy what you do – then it truly is work.
Go to school if you can – study and soak in all the knowledge that your brain can hold. Learn!
Prepare for the future the best you can.
Don’t grow old with regrets.
If you have made mistakes, learn from them – and start over. You are young, you get do-overs.
Do not taunt, tease or make fun of people of any age. It hurts. It stays with them longer than you realize.
If you need help, just ask. Someone will help you. If not, ask someone else. And if your friends don’t help, they are not your true friends.
Pet a kitten, hug a puppy
Kiss the back of a baby’s neck.
Thank your parents, step parents – the ones who raised you.
Respect your elders. They were once like you – and in their eyes, hearts and minds it wasn’t that long ago. Someday you will blink – and will be as they are.
And last but not least - have some fun every day.
Make the most of this time – fill it with memories that will last a lifetime.
Wake up and see the world like it’s a new place every day – there is always something new to see, something new to learn – soak it all in.
Laugh hard, laugh long.
Share the laughter, and the tears.
Talk to strangers – yea, I know your mother told you not to – but once in a while, just start up a conversation while standing at a bus stop, on the train, in a cab. Even if you are normally shy – speak up! It’s sometimes easier when you don’t know the person – and you just might make a friend.
Don’t judge anyone because they think or believe differently.
No matter your physical size – embrace it. (No not literally…figuratively! – oh wait…go ahead)
If you feel like dancing in the middle of a store, dance. Sometimes you just don’t need music.
Share your heart – and remember the passion. Love hard, love strong. Let the other person know just by looking at you how you feel. If you love someone, truly, give it your all. And tell them. We all need to hear it.
Don’t settle.
Work hard, but enjoy what you do. If you don’t enjoy what you do – then it truly is work.
Go to school if you can – study and soak in all the knowledge that your brain can hold. Learn!
Prepare for the future the best you can.
Don’t grow old with regrets.
If you have made mistakes, learn from them – and start over. You are young, you get do-overs.
Do not taunt, tease or make fun of people of any age. It hurts. It stays with them longer than you realize.
If you need help, just ask. Someone will help you. If not, ask someone else. And if your friends don’t help, they are not your true friends.
Pet a kitten, hug a puppy
Kiss the back of a baby’s neck.
Thank your parents, step parents – the ones who raised you.
Respect your elders. They were once like you – and in their eyes, hearts and minds it wasn’t that long ago. Someday you will blink – and will be as they are.
And last but not least - have some fun every day.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
I believe....
These are my beliefs...or I should say, some of them.
Not everyone will agree with them, and thats ok. They are mine and you should have yours.
I believe in the freedom of religion.
I believe that everyone has the right to believe (or not believe) as they want
I believe you or I do not have the right to force your religious beliefs on others. Not everyone believes what is written in the Bible and it’s not our place to judge them. Period.
I believe you don’t have to be religious to live by the golden rule.
I believe everyone should have the right to marry the person they love - even if they are the same sex.
I believe people are born straight, or gay, or lesbian, or bi or transgender...it’s not a choice.
I believe if you are gay, and trying to hide it - stop it. You are hurting yourself and others that are involved. Don't pretend to be straight if you aren't. Be you. Be honest.
I believe if you sneak and look at porn and are in a relationship – it’s the same as cheating. You are not thinking of your spouse, partner, significant other, etc. while you are looking at porn.
And, I believe, if you are looking at porn of the same gender as yourself…it should tell you something. And you should tell your spouse, partner, significant other etc… If you don't, you are being dishonest with them and yourself.
I believe if you are in a relationship - don't cheat.
I believe if you want to screw around, get out of the relationship you are in first.
I believe we should raise our children to accept others for who they are - not reject them for "what" they are. The "what" is just wrong...
I believe children are not meant to be hit. Switches belong on trees, hairbrushes are used to brush your hair, and belts are to hold up pants - period.
I believe there are other forms of discipline than hitting.
I believe children are to be loved and cared for. They are amazing little creatures and we can learn from them.
I believe everyone should be paid equal pay for equal work. No one should be paid less or more because of their gender.
I believe you should thank the Unions for your weekends. (Look it up)...
I don't believe it’s all Obama's fault.
I don't believe it was all Bush’s fault either.
I believe we, as Americans, need to take on part of the blame.
I believe high gas prices are the result of greed.
I believe states and the government should HELP people to get back on their feet - not support them. Help those who are working and trying to make a go of it - they might need a little boost.
I believe you should not go to emergency rooms if you, or your kids, have a cold or a little injury. Get a doctor.
I believe in a woman's choice. I could not have had an abortion but I believe no one has the right to tell a woman whether she can or can't. It’s not your right to make that decision for anyone. Even "teebows" mother had a choice.
I believe if a zygote is a person – then sperm should not be wasted either…They move and swim. Therefore they must be alive too.
I believe birth control pills should be free to any woman who wants them.
I believe no group of men only should make the decisions and laws concerning women and their health.
I believe people should watch out more for motorcycles.
I believe people should learn to "merge" onto the interstate like the sign says...
I believe people need to put down the damned phones and drive.
I believe texting is silly. What happened to talking to people?
I believe the truth will really set you free.
I believe no American should be asked to prove their citizenship while in their own country.
I believe that when someone resorts to calling others names that they have reached the end of their knowledge…their brains are dead.
I believe honesty really is the best policy.
I believe we should accept others differences. I may not look like you, read the same books, enjoy the same music – but that’s what makes me who I am.
I believe no one has the right to make fun of or berate others. I have been laughed at; it’s not a good feeling.
I believe if you truly love someone it does not matter if they are or get old, ugly, fat, skinny, disabled etc. – you still love them.
I believe you should never take people for granted.
I believe you should respect your elders – especially your parents.
I believe respect among your peers is earned, not a given.
I believe everyone has a talent of some sort.
I believe that sometimes there just isn't much to smile about. Other times...yea.
I believe work is a necessary evil.
I believe a sense of humor is necessary to survive in this world.
I believe everyone should live on their own, alone, at least once in their lives.
I believe if you lose trust in someone, you never fully get it back.
I believe honesty is worth it…
Not everyone will agree with them, and thats ok. They are mine and you should have yours.
I believe in the freedom of religion.
I believe that everyone has the right to believe (or not believe) as they want
I believe you or I do not have the right to force your religious beliefs on others. Not everyone believes what is written in the Bible and it’s not our place to judge them. Period.
I believe you don’t have to be religious to live by the golden rule.
I believe everyone should have the right to marry the person they love - even if they are the same sex.
I believe people are born straight, or gay, or lesbian, or bi or transgender...it’s not a choice.
I believe if you are gay, and trying to hide it - stop it. You are hurting yourself and others that are involved. Don't pretend to be straight if you aren't. Be you. Be honest.
I believe if you sneak and look at porn and are in a relationship – it’s the same as cheating. You are not thinking of your spouse, partner, significant other, etc. while you are looking at porn.
And, I believe, if you are looking at porn of the same gender as yourself…it should tell you something. And you should tell your spouse, partner, significant other etc… If you don't, you are being dishonest with them and yourself.
I believe if you are in a relationship - don't cheat.
I believe if you want to screw around, get out of the relationship you are in first.
I believe we should raise our children to accept others for who they are - not reject them for "what" they are. The "what" is just wrong...
I believe children are not meant to be hit. Switches belong on trees, hairbrushes are used to brush your hair, and belts are to hold up pants - period.
I believe there are other forms of discipline than hitting.
I believe children are to be loved and cared for. They are amazing little creatures and we can learn from them.
I believe everyone should be paid equal pay for equal work. No one should be paid less or more because of their gender.
I believe you should thank the Unions for your weekends. (Look it up)...
I don't believe it’s all Obama's fault.
I don't believe it was all Bush’s fault either.
I believe we, as Americans, need to take on part of the blame.
I believe high gas prices are the result of greed.
I believe states and the government should HELP people to get back on their feet - not support them. Help those who are working and trying to make a go of it - they might need a little boost.
I believe you should not go to emergency rooms if you, or your kids, have a cold or a little injury. Get a doctor.
I believe in a woman's choice. I could not have had an abortion but I believe no one has the right to tell a woman whether she can or can't. It’s not your right to make that decision for anyone. Even "teebows" mother had a choice.
I believe if a zygote is a person – then sperm should not be wasted either…They move and swim. Therefore they must be alive too.
I believe birth control pills should be free to any woman who wants them.
I believe no group of men only should make the decisions and laws concerning women and their health.
I believe people should watch out more for motorcycles.
I believe people should learn to "merge" onto the interstate like the sign says...
I believe people need to put down the damned phones and drive.
I believe texting is silly. What happened to talking to people?
I believe the truth will really set you free.
I believe no American should be asked to prove their citizenship while in their own country.
I believe that when someone resorts to calling others names that they have reached the end of their knowledge…their brains are dead.
I believe honesty really is the best policy.
I believe we should accept others differences. I may not look like you, read the same books, enjoy the same music – but that’s what makes me who I am.
I believe no one has the right to make fun of or berate others. I have been laughed at; it’s not a good feeling.
I believe if you truly love someone it does not matter if they are or get old, ugly, fat, skinny, disabled etc. – you still love them.
I believe you should never take people for granted.
I believe you should respect your elders – especially your parents.
I believe respect among your peers is earned, not a given.
I believe everyone has a talent of some sort.
I believe that sometimes there just isn't much to smile about. Other times...yea.
I believe work is a necessary evil.
I believe a sense of humor is necessary to survive in this world.
I believe everyone should live on their own, alone, at least once in their lives.
I believe if you lose trust in someone, you never fully get it back.
I believe honesty is worth it…
Saturday, February 11, 2012
5:49 AM....
It started with heaviness in my feet and lower legs. I could not move. My eyes opened from a deep sleep and my mind wondered what could be happening. The sounds of engines started, low at first but got louder and louder as the heaviness left my legs and progressed to my lower abdomen. The feeling changed to that of a small herd of horses running back and forth across my stomach while the sound of engines grew louder and louder. I rolled to my side to try and flee the feeling to only have the sensation running up and down the hill that is my hips. The sounds of engines grew louder and louder as I rolled again to my back and the trampling sensation moved to my chest – back and forth back and forth. The sounds of the engines echoing in my ears as I again moved to my side. I close my eyes once again amidst the roaring of the engines and then it happens……a paw, in my eye. Ok guys…moms up…..Kittehs….
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