Mom...

They determined today that Mom did have another stroke, in the same area of the brain that was affected in 1985 and 86 - which affected her right side. This one was not as big, which explains why just her leg is affected and not her arm - but now they have her on another anti-seizure medicine.

And - they are going to put her in a nursing home for physical therapy for about 3 months. Now, they say if she gets stronger etc she will get out of there - but, logic and the look on my sisters face tells me that Mom will live there after this.

So, while talking to Mom and trying to convince her that this is best, and if she goes in there and eats good and does her physical therapy and gets stronger that she will get to come home - and at the same time I am trying to convince myself of the same thing.

Logic also tells me that no one can take care of her. Pat & Larry cant be expected to help her to the bathroom, give her showers etc. Pat works now and Larry is always so busy fixing things around the house. Tanya has 5 kids under 18 still at home and surely cant do it ...and me? Well...I cant even lift her fucking wheelchair right now let alone her - and she is down to 120 lbs...

I want a fucking cigarette so bad I cant stand it.

I was up at 4 am this morning trying to puke my guts out and it was just dry heaves. Nerves? Not sure. My stomachs a mess, haven't eaten much in the last few days or slept much either.

She is my best friend. How do you do this to your best friend? How can I let them put her in a place and not take care of her myself?

I really want that cigarette.

Ohhh my aching back...

Yes, I've been gone awhile. Haven't posted since May. Yes, I was very busy with the move and getting settled into the new house (still love it, its gorgeous!), working in the yard, and oh...having surgery on my back....twice.

I've had problems with my back for years. And, like an idiot I put off going to the doctor about it. But, in late May I couldn't put it off any longer. The doctor sent me in for an MRI (one of those test where they shove you in a giant paper towel tube and you get to listen to 50,000 little kids with those space sounding toy guns). The neurosurgeon said I had severe spinal stenosis.

Huh?

Well, it is real and it meant my spinal column was basically clamping shut on the nerves going down into my legs making them hurt, cramp, go numb, knee's buckle etc etc etc...He said that the L4 and L5 disk were affected and I needed surgery - soon - or I wouldn't be walking within 6 months to a year.

Well, now how do you say no to that?

So, on July 5th, 2007 I underwent back surgery. I was in the hospital for 3 days. Didn't do to bad, walked around some - but within 2-1/2 weeks I started feeling the cramping and tingling sensations in my left leg. I called the surgeons office and they made me an appointment for the following week. And, they ordered another MRI.

Ohjoy, I get to be stuck in the paper towel tube again only this time they are injecting dye into me so that they can see clearly where they operated on my back in July. I had to wait about 10 days to see the doctor and get the results of the test...

I needed more surgery.

Argggggggghhhhhhhhhh

So, on August 23rd I underwent my second back surgery. Seven weeks to the day of the first. I was in the hospital four days this time - but, it feels different. My back feels different than last time. No block of wood between my back and the bed when I lay down - and, my legs don't hurt.

I am trying to be positive about this. Kind of difficult when this is the second time I have been off work for 4 wks since July 1st - and I don't miss work! I had enough sick days accumulated that I didn't have to file for disability.

And, I love the new house - but right now it feels as if the walls are closing in. I am not allowed to drive or be in a car for 2 more weeks. I sit here all day alone trying to find something to watch on television, play games on the computer, sort through family photo's, sit outside and watch the humming birds...

Basically going nutso.

But, I am following doctors orders so that my back heals correctly so I can get back to work, work in my yard and basically get back to life.

So, I've been away. I will try to get back here more often now that I am allowed to sit here at my computer.

I just hope someone notices :)