Mom...

They determined today that Mom did have another stroke, in the same area of the brain that was affected in 1985 and 86 - which affected her right side. This one was not as big, which explains why just her leg is affected and not her arm - but now they have her on another anti-seizure medicine.

And - they are going to put her in a nursing home for physical therapy for about 3 months. Now, they say if she gets stronger etc she will get out of there - but, logic and the look on my sisters face tells me that Mom will live there after this.

So, while talking to Mom and trying to convince her that this is best, and if she goes in there and eats good and does her physical therapy and gets stronger that she will get to come home - and at the same time I am trying to convince myself of the same thing.

Logic also tells me that no one can take care of her. Pat & Larry cant be expected to help her to the bathroom, give her showers etc. Pat works now and Larry is always so busy fixing things around the house. Tanya has 5 kids under 18 still at home and surely cant do it ...and me? Well...I cant even lift her fucking wheelchair right now let alone her - and she is down to 120 lbs...

I want a fucking cigarette so bad I cant stand it.

I was up at 4 am this morning trying to puke my guts out and it was just dry heaves. Nerves? Not sure. My stomachs a mess, haven't eaten much in the last few days or slept much either.

She is my best friend. How do you do this to your best friend? How can I let them put her in a place and not take care of her myself?

I really want that cigarette.