...

I think I've lost me.

That is my life...

Disappearing into the mist of
The obscurity that is my life
Or just fading away with the years
That pass as quick as a blink of the eye
Were they in the tears that slid down my cheek
and collected on the floor?
The sadness that envelopes the soul that is mine
From the loss is almost unbearable
The loneliness, the aching
As I reach into emptiness
For my hopes and dreams

Truth, lies...and trust

The truth…

Sometimes it can be really difficult to hear. But, its something we all want – deep down inside I think we really do.

So why do some go to such lengths to hide the truth? Why do they run? Afraid of what the truth will really mean to someone?

I know, personally, I would rather hear the truth – no matter how hurtful it might be. Then I can make a decision on my own as to how to handle it. Some might think I can’t handle the truth – but oh yes, I can.

I am an extremely independent woman. I have taken care of myself for a lot of years – it’s not really that difficult. When you rely on yourself you will have truthfulness. It’s kind of hard to lie to yourself.

And if you find out someone has lied to you, well, that I believe is even harder than hearing the truth itself. I mean, if you can’t trust someone then you have nothing.

What started this conversation? Well, right now I’ve lost the trust I had in a couple people. It’s hard to bear, but I will survive. Always have. And when the time is right, they will know of the hurt they have caused, of the heartache.

But maybe, just maybe, they don’t care.

Pondering life....

Sometimes you sit and wonder why life has turned out the way it has. And, you wonder why things were as they were…

Ok, so maybe I am not making sense here.

I am, and always have been, extremely self-conscious. Not sure when it started as I think I’ve always been this way.

So…let’s go back in time. Back to a time where a person experiences so much turmoil, angst, fear…yes, we are talking about high school.

My high school years were not fun. I went to no dances, no boyfriends – only one really good friend and that wasn’t even until my junior year. I was the kid that others laughed at, that they oinked at when I entered a room. I was the one who was chased by a car full of male classmates and called horrid, horrid names. I was mimicked by girls that I thought were my friends. Yes, the same thing that kids today go through – and I feel for them.

You see, it doesn’t go away.

Even though I am now an “older” adult, I still hurt. Yes, I was fat when I was young – and damn if I am not overweight again. Not as much as before, not even close (and here I go again….) but I could stand to lose weight.

But….

I am still me. I am still Sandy. And even at this age it’s so difficult to find people who will accept you for who you are and not what you look like. It’s like high school all over again, only worse – because some of these people are people that I care for, deeply. And, I do not, nor have I ever, judged them for their looks. I do not have that right.

I always thought if you truly loved someone that you loved them no matter what.
I can’t help the wrinkles – they come with age. No, I don’t like getting old, but I’m not ready for the alternative either. I know I know – I could lose weight. But why should I starve myself as I did in the past to try and make people like me? Isn’t that the most superficial thing ever?

No, I am not beautiful. I never have been. But I am me.

So, when you look at someone next time – look at them, not the outside but what is in their mind, their eyes, their hearts. Do not judge them because they do not look the way you might want them to look.

They look the way they are. It’s not who they are – it’s part of them, just part. Inside may be a loving, sensual, exciting, joyful caring person.

Give them a chance.

And if you can't bring yourself to do so...walk away. They are better off without you.