It's funny....

It's funny how people change - when you have made a change.

And, it's funny how, instead of asking questions or trying to discuss it - they just make assumptions. And, you turn into a bad guy.

It's ok.

It was sudden, or at least some seem to think it was. It wasn't. It was years in the making. People just didn't open their eyes and see what was in front of their faces.

It's funny. It took me a long time too - and I was the one involved.

Sure, I caused a change in their lives too I guess - but you would think that if they cared at all, that they would want me to be happy too. After all, I tried to make it work.

And it takes two to do that - and well, I am only one.

I didn't break any one's heart. You have to have one and open it for it to be broken.

Sure, I got to go on nice trips sometimes. But trips don't keep you warm at night. They don't hold you when your heart is breaking and your life is falling apart.

It's funny how I used to cry myself to sleep almost every night, and no one saw but me.

It's funny how I haven't cried myself to sleep since I've been on my own again. Except the night my son left to go back to his home.

It's funny how I am blamed for things I didn't do.

It's even funnier that I know things he did do, and they would be shocked if they knew.

But, I'll be the bad guy. It's ok.

Just think about it - there had to be a reason I would leave after 17 years.

Funny how that works.....

9 Weeks

So, I have been in my new house for about 9 weeks now.

I love it.

I still have painting to do, eventually want to rip out old cabinets in the garage and put in shelving, maybe get rid of the carpet and put in wood flooring - but, I will and what I do will be what I want.

Today I cleaned house, did laundry, raked leaves (again) and cleaned gutters on the house.

I am exhausted.

But I also feel good - I did it, its mine, and I can do this.

I have not heard from the roomie. Don't think I ever will. He said he would call, but - he used to say a lot of things.

I hope he has a good life.

I sure as hell am gonna give it a try :)

Changes....

With time comes changes....

And I made a change - a big one.

One September 15th I purchased my first home. And, that same night I moved into it.

That same day I left someone I had been with for almost 17 years.

I think we both saw it coming. We had become "friends" and nothing more. No hand holding, no kisses on the lips (or with passion). He told me I was his best friend - which is great if that is all you want to be - but I thought we were supposed to be more, to be in a relationship.

I tried everything I could think of...I bought him things, I cooked I cleaned I took care of him...
Everything I could think of to make him love me the way I wanted, and needed to be loved.
But it never happened.

Within just a few years of the, well, whatever this was, started - it changed. No hugs, he flinched when I touched him. No intimacy at all.

And yet I stayed.

I loved him.

But then it changed even more....my life, besides working and taking care of the home, was spent in a room of the house - the office. Rarely did we sit in the same room and watch TV let alone talk to each other. He brought up the fact that his parents had slept in separate rooms - I drew the line with that one.

And then a couple of years ago I went on a trip with my sister. Something we had talked of doing for years. And after the trip he compared me to his ex - she had started taking trips with friends and ended up leaving him. That was when I looked at him different and made a decision that I had to work towards my own life.

And even up until the moment I left - had he said something, anything, to make me feel loved, needed and cared for - I would have stayed.

It didn't happen.

He said he would call, we would have dinner and talk. It hasn't happened yet - and I am not sure it ever will.

So, I now have my own home. A great small 3 bedroom house for me and the two kitties. I love it - it's mine. No more do I have to sit in that room and feel the walls closing in. No more do I sit in a home where someone else lived and feel so lonely that my heart was breaking. No more do I cry myself to sleep wishing it would get better.

Because it has.

This is mine - and this is my life.  And time to start anew.

Better late than never :)